Monday, December 8, 2008

By the Hammer of Thor!

So I LOVE 30 Rock. I live and breathe for that show. The new season, however, has left something to be desired and I'm hoping it will pick up again after getting over its guest-appearance hangover. So here's a few, ok, more than a few, reminders of what makes 30 Rock so great....

Liz: What do guys like?
Frank: Porn.
Liz: No, I mean if you were to go on a date with a girl, how would you want her to act?
Frank: Like she was in a porn.

Tracy: Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets. That's a metaphor!!

Frank: Hey, uh, you got anything about being a dad? People eat that garbage up.
Tracy: I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who’s still got the biggest ding-dong.
Pete: No
Tracy: Or I could tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone.
Pete: What was that?
Tracy: I was pooping in the ladies’ room at The Ivy…
Pete: No.
Tracy: I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan, and not the Minister Farrakhan you are thinking of.

Liz: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

(and this one pretty much sums up how I act with guys at bars)
Gentleman:Excuse me, is this seat taken?
Liz: [Sighs] Really dude? I got to move my coat? There are like 4 empty seats over there - can't you just be cool?
[Man leaves]
Jenna: That guy wanted to buy you a drink!
Liz: Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

Liz: What's going on, business got ya down?
Jack: Business doesn't get me down, business gets me off.

Cerie: I guess but we both want to have babies while it's still cool. I already have all the names picked out. If it's a girl, Bookcase or Sandstorm or maybe Hat, but that's more of a boys name.
Liz: Yeah, I was gonna say....

Liz: [confused] Oh, hi. I'm sorry, I got this number under fertility in the Writers Guild Health Manual?
Dr. Spaceman: I'm also listed under meth addiction and child psychiatry. So, what can I help you with? I should start by saying that I can't personally help you conceive. Something happened to me while scuba diving.

Tracy:You know what, I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?
Jack: I've got two ears and a heart don't I?

Jack: I want full stake in the Arby's franchise we bought outside of Telluride.
Bianca: Oh, dammit Johnny, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar.

Tracy: I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind a middle school, and get it pregnant.

Jack: Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.

(one of the funniest moments ever..)
Ridikolus: [talking on cell phone] I'll call you when I get inside.
Kenneth: I'm sorry, this is a private party.
Ridikolus: Hold on. [to Kenneth] We're with Tracy Jordan.
Kenneth: And Mr. Jordan himself said, "Don't let no one in who's not on the list, 'cause this mess is gonna get raw like sushi." [pleasantly] So haters to the left.
Ridikolus: What's your game, man?
Kenneth: [smiling, flattered to be asked] Boggle.
Ridikolus: You know what? You tell Tracy Jordan that Ridikolus...
[wipe back to the present]
Kenneth: " gonna eat his family."

Tracy: [at the Church of Practicology with electrodes attached to his head] I believe the moon doesn't exist. I believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers but their curse is that they'll never get to prove it! I believe there are 31 letters in the white alphabet. Well...what was the question again?

Tracy: So what's your religion Liz Lemon?
Liz: I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.

Jack: When I think of all the things that I've been holding inside me that I wanted to say to you... [raises fists] Well now I'm gonna let "Saint Patrick" and "Saint Michael" DO MY TALKING FOR ME!
Jack's Dad: [raises fists] You'll have to get through "Tip O'Neill" and "Bobby Sands" first!
Eddie Donaghy: You call those fist names?! [raises fists] Say hello to "Bono" and "Sandra Day O'Connor!"
Jack: Those are the stupidest fist names I've ever heard.

(long, but worth reading)
Liz: Hi. I'm really sorry about what I did, and I know that you can't forgive me, but just to even things out, here's all my weird secret stuff. I have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went to clown college. I get super nervous whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner because when I was a kid my mom used to turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and my dad fighting, which is why I rarely vacuum my apartment, like never. I have had three donuts so far today. Once in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a Country Steaks all-you-can-eat buffet and I didn't leave until I finished my second plate of shrimp. A couple months ago, I went on a date with my cousin. Wow... I am a mess. There is an 80% chance in the next election that I will tell all my friends that I'm voting for Barack Obama but I will secretly vote for John McCain. Here's one, when I was a kid I used to put on my fanciest nightgown and then I would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne glass and sit in the dark and watch The Love Boat. Consequently, I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher from The Love Boat. And I lied, I have had five donuts today.

[Liz enters a room and stands behind Jack]
Jack: You've been avoiding me, Lemon.
Liz: How do you do that without turning around?
Jack: To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you, we are.

Floyd: If the whole world moved to their favorite vacation spots, then the whole world would live in Hawaii and Italy and Cleveland.

Colleen: Tell him his mother's here! ...And she loves him! ...But not in a queer way!

Dr. Spaceman: Now Jenna, medically speaking for your height your weight puts you what we call the "disgusting" range. Fortunately there are solutions. For Example, crystal meth has been shown to be very effective. How important is tooth retention to you?

Jack: I think Angie is right-handed so you have to work her clockwise.
Liz: Wait, you've already thought about fighting her?
Jack: Every time I meet a new person I figure out how I'll fight them. You have a gimpy right knee, right?

Jack: So what are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401K?
Liz: Yeah, I gotta get one of those.
Jack: What?! Where do you invest your money Liz?
Liz: I've got like 12 grand in checking.
Jack: Are you an immigrant?

Jack: I'm going to a party tonight honoring Robert Novak. It's being thrown by John McCain and Jack Bauer.
Liz: Um, I don't think he's real.
Jack: I assure you, Lemon, John McCain is very real.

Liz: No they're just super supportive. They've always been like that, even when I sued the Lower White Haven school district to let girls play football.
Liz: [in full uniform on football team, completely muffs kick which is recovered by the opposing team] Yeah feminism!!!
[end flashback]
Liz: We didn't make the playoffs that year but I think we lead the league in bravery.

Kenneth: Oh no Sir, I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name.
Jack: That's Republican. We count those.

Liz: I'm feeling pretty drunk.
Jack: Well, it's business drunk. It's like rich drunk, either way it's legal to drive.

Liz: Wheres my mac and cheese!?!?!?

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